Advice
My estranged family member is terminally ill, what should I do?
November 22, 2023
It’s strange isn’t it – you share blood, but you haven’t shared a conversation in years. Estrangement from a family member can be painful and isolating, whilst others may feel an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace.
Whatever the reason for the breakdown of a relationship, from untreated addiction, mental health issues, emotional abuse, religious differences, disagreements over money or identity, family dynamics can be complex.
Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and before you know it, almost a decade has passed and then along comes the news – your estranged family member is terminally ill. We are often reminded about the fragility of life when someone we know is dying and our time to potentially reconcile is limited, but then comes the overriding question…
What should I do?
Sometimes, rekindling a connection isn’t safe or even possible but for some, the diagnosis of a terminal illness may prompt a desire to reach out. Starting a dialogue with an estranged family member is a delicate process, which needs to be dealt with sensitively and thoughtfully.
It is important to think about your intentions and expectations about the type of relationship you hope to develop, if that is the path you choose to follow. When you offer an olive branch, you leave yourself vulnerable and open to rejection – it’s important you have a good support network around you, in preparation for all outcomes.
Depending on why the relationship broke down and to enable you to move forward, there may need to be a safe space to address significant past issues or trauma – don’t be afraid to reach out for support or counselling at this time.
Making contact
Time can be a great healer and it may be that you decide to reach out through writing a letter, email or drawing a picture but it is critical to remember that trust takes time to build and you may need to get to know each other all over again. Proceed slowly and define new healthy boundaries, exploring ways to communicate effectively with them and focus on the future that you have left together.
If they only have a few days or weeks left, you may simply decide to focus on the now and to just be there in their last moments. When a person is dying, their hearing is often the last sense to go, so it may be appropriate to talk and say the things you wanted to, even if they have become non-verbal and non-responsive.
Grieving
Whatever the decision you make regarding your estranged family member, give yourself permission to grieve before and after they die – just as close family members would. Allow yourself to feel each emotion, from sadness, guilt, loss, anger and remorse; even loving relationships usually hold some regrets!
If you do connect with them near the end of their life, funerals can also be hard to navigate. There may be other family members there you haven’t seen in a while, you may feel nervous, you may not know where to sit and it may just all be too overwhelming. If you don’t want to attend, allow yourself to mark the day in a way that is special for you – light a candle, write your own words, or have a small ceremony of your own with the people who you care about.
Decisions
You are the only person who must walk in your shoes and live with the decisions you make; you may want to do something different to other members of your family, which can also be tricky – keep the dialogue open, and try and accept each others decisions, even if you don’t agree with them.
It’s easy to make decisions in haste, so try not to panic and ensure your final choice and communication is based on bringing a sense of harmony, wholeness, and peace.
Remember, it’s OK to reach out, and it’s OK not to as well.
